The service was traditional; the only difference being that we both readthe famous poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, taking turns to read eachwonderful line. I felt a lump in my throat as I remembered the words:How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and heightMy soul can reach, when feeling out of sightFor the ends of Being and ideal Grace.I love thee to the level of everyday'sMost quiet need, by sun and candle-light.I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.I love thee with a passion put to useIn my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.I love thee with a love I seemed to loseWith my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death.I had to stop in a lay-by for a few minutes get myself back togetheragain--but after I pulled myself together and gave myself a good talkingto, I continued on, as I still had. Not something out there in the physical world, something inside me that remains unchecked, unattended. I didn’t take much time to think about it, god knows I couldn’t bring myself to. And yet it was the most important thing of all. It might sound unusual. I carry my family with me. Two metal containers, etched with their names, in my backpack. Sealed shut, airtight as such, their ashes inside. They were cremated, I couldn’t bring myself to scatter them in the city anywhere, and after a while, I couldn’t bring myself to scatter them anywhere. I think it seems more appropriate to find somewhere peaceful, when I’m in a position mentally, emotionally and physically ready to do so, then, when I’m finally ready, it will be done… And now here I sat, Roger was looking at me, my eyes sore with tears, red and puffy, my ears warm, my nose running, my lips pulled back, straining at my teeth, trying to hold back the whimpers and cries. My hands came up, cupping my mouth and nose, my fingertips.
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