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I need you. It appears I stand on the one spot on earth where gravity does not exist.“Viggggggoooooo!”I guess I need to explain something to you. Viggo is my teeny, tiny, bullet-sized, pink vibrator. He is named after one of my favorite actors, Viggo Mortensen, who starred in one of my favorite movies, Lord of the Rings. His character, Aragorn, sported my favorite physical features – dark hair, beard, mustache, and piercing eyes. So, duh, I named my beloved vibrator after him. And now … he is lost … inside my ass … buzzing.Please stop laughing as this is a really serious situation. I need your full support and understanding in this incident. First, I will catch you up on how this embarrassing predicament occurred.A little while ago, I slipped my soft pink nightie over my head and slid underneath my satin sheets. Today, life spanked me hard on my ass, so I desperately needed to unwind. My body ached from the stresses of the day and Viggo is my best stress reliever. He is very. Huge red and green stalks, with wide crinkly leaves, a little forest round about his legs that grew higher as the sun shone. Suddenly the ponies stopped charging at him, and the crofter himself took note, stopping from time to time to brush his hands over the massive leaves. One day, the crofter came, but he wasn’t alone, this time he brought his wife, a terrifying looking woman, whose face reminded him of the pony’s backsides as they cantered away from him. As the crofter spread his arms wide, her face split into a Cheshire cat smile, displaying at least three good teeth and miles of gum. Her two meaty hands dived into the butchers’ apron, tied about her considerable girth. He would have gulped if he had been able to when she about-faced and squatted down on the ground to cut some of the long stalks down. Before they left, the crofter set about pushing back in the straw that had fallen to the ground, hitching up the listing kilt, and flicking some of the dried lumps of horseshit.
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