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I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would destroy me.But I was stuck on the horns of a dilemma. I couldn't go back to how I was, that way led nowhere, so I could only go forward, but I didn't know how to make a first step.I was contemplating that when Anna called. I hadn't realized it'd gotten so late. I hadn't eaten anything or moved from the table where Jenny sat down hours ago. Anna's suggestion of take. Her message came back to my mind several days later, as it became clearto me what she had been trying to say. In retrospect, I probably shouldhave figured it out sooner, but that?s the thing about hindsight. Imean, who gets shrinkage when it?s 115 degrees out? And yet that?s whatI attributed to the fact that it was becoming increasingly difficult towhip it out when I needed to go.It was a Thursday when I fell in the pool and we were scheduled toreturn to Kandahar Airbase on the following Tuesday. My chest wasitching something fierce the whole time. I assumed that tight Kevlarvest plus sweaty t-shirt equals chafing. I loosened the straps andsoldiered on.We stopped for the night after sunset on Friday; my nipples felt likethey were burning. I stripped off my body armor and BDU top andsurreptitiously slipped a hand under my t-shirt to check on them; theywere swollen under my fingertips, and painfully sensitive. I appliedsome foot powder and changed t-shirts, which seemed to help a.
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