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It is just for the benefit of your marriage and our pleasure.”“I know, I know. You are a wonderfully masterful guy, and my emotions have me somewhat mercurial right now. Forget it and kiss me.”We held each other tightly—our lips once again locked in an ardent exploration. We finally broke apart and began to walk out to the bedroom.“No more affection displays. George has seen enough today.”“Understood.”As I began to get dressed, he went over to George and engaged him in more guy talk. I really was happy he was doing this; including George as much as possible was important to me, at least at this point.With little to put on, I quickly dressed, and then had to wait for the two of them to finish their conversation. It wrapped up. George and I headed to the door and out to our car. I looked back to see Derreck, wet towel wrapped around his waist, watching us leave. Lots of preparation before Wednesday, I thought.We did not talk too much on the way home. I was tired, sore, and still a bit. At the same time, I had to restrain myself not to go to far. Already then, I realized that I had to be very discreet and as I grew up, my obsession became a very secret part of myself. Dating boys I found just boring as nobody realized what I was longing for and I had no one to talk to about it. Sex in some way felt like a half measure without what I was dreaming of. In all secrecy, I started practising self discipline in my early teens and afterwards, everything felt just so much more meaningless and empty. It was not just a dream. It developed into a craving for pain and humiliation that I neither could or wanted to control. I realized that it had to surface some day. I read everything I could on the subject and when I found 'The Story of O' it was like a revelation to me. I also wrote down many of my secret dreams and desires and mostly I destroyed my notes so that nobody would see them. My entire teens were filled with casual sex contacts that left me cold and a constant feeling.
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