And so I started to cry. I was miserable being left alone like that, and it was even harder than it was in the boathouse, but up until that point it wasn’t unmanageable. Then I realized that you were doing things as if I wasn’t even in the room ... as if I didn’t even exist ... and that’s when everything went wrong in my head. I thought ... I thought...” She was starting to well up again. “I thought you were showing me what your life would be like without me, and demonstrating it in the cruelest possible way. And then you masturbated into a tissue and I knew that’s what you were doing.”Oh no. Oh god, no. Now I see. “Kathryn, my love, please believe me: I’d never do that to you. Maybe some deep, dark corner of my subconscious contributed to my plan for those exact reasons, but I never had a conscious intention even close to that. I’m so sorry. I didn’t have any idea you’d take it that way. If it was that bad, though, why didn’t you use your safe word? I won’t ever judge you for doing. I thought I would be helping, but it didn't turn out that way.I was rearranging things on the bed when a small white envelope fell out of the side pocket of her make-up case. The envelope came from a pharmacy, but not the one that we usually use. There were ten pills inside. I had no idea what Preven was and the instructions were confusing. "Take one pill as necessary and take a second pill twelve hours later." I thought that they might be something that she got for anxiety or nerves, but the instructions didn't make sense. The prescription was in her name and it was filled on Monday. I put the envelope back, as she was finishing her shower. I decided I wanted to find out more about Preven before I mentioned it to her. Of course if I did mention it, it would indicate that I was going through her stuff. I hate dilemmas.While Sarah was getting ready for bed, I went to our home computer and punched up Preven. Ten minutes later, I joined my wife under the covers. I lay awake all night.
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