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’ He says as we push out of the doors, and into a small hallway. I feel my eyes go blurry as tears fill over the brims. In moments, there is cool air on my face, cold air where the tears streaked, and finally the lump in my throat deflates enough to talk. ‘Why–why kill me?’ I feel his hand leave my neck as we stop. He pulls the silver case from me, and it makes a jingling clatter on the sidewalk as it breaks into halves, spilling cigarettes over the sidewalk. The sprinklers are on. The smell of freshly cut, wet grass is overpowering, but the world is just a blurry, shaky eight millimeter film to me, complete with sepia and scratches. I know this feeling. My mind is beginning to blank. The fear drowning in numbness, but the tears don’t stop. I’m not sobbing, but I wish I were. I feel his hand on my shoulder, pushing me to my knees, and my legs betray me as they thank him for the respite from standing. ‘Don’t worry,’ He soothes. ‘It will be entirely painless, and very quick.’ ‘I–I don’t. Felipe, do you want me to say anything to your «Tesoro»?”He laughed, “No, I think I’ll just speak to her when I see her next and show her the trophy.”“Congratulations!”“Thank you! I assume you know about the event at Great Lakes honoring your dad next month?”“I do. I was a bit surprised he agreed to it, but I guess Karl was very persuasive. I assume you’ll be there.”“Yes, of course!”We bowed and everyone went their separate ways.May 29, 2000, Chicago, Illinois“Happy Birthday, Pumpkin!” I said when she climbed into a chaise with me on Monday morning.“Thanks, Dad!”“How did I ever survive you turning twelve?” I asked.“Oh please! Jesse is fourteen and Matthew will be thirteen!”“And neither of them is YOU!”She laughed and snuggled close.I loved cuddling with my dad. He was big and strong and handsome, and I hoped someday I would find a husband just like him. His arms felt good around me, and I loved the way he smelled. This was one of those days when I wished for something the world said.
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