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There I was, adjusting the bike's seat and feeling sorry for myself, when I heard a rustling from the direction of the fireplace. The fire had gone out hours ago. When I went to investigate, I found sooty footprints leading to the kitchen. Did someone break in? I wielded the fireplace poker and followed the trail. As I peered round the corner I was shocked to see a guy in a Santa suit standing in my kitchen, pouring a glass of milk. I was so stunned I couldn't even answer when he asked me where the cookies were. He laughed and said, "Don't look so surprised to see me. I'm here to grant your Christmas wish." "Oh, the boys don't really need any more presents," I started to say. "It's not for the children," he replied, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "I'm here to grant your Christmas wish, sugarplum. Look!" He grabbed his crotch, pulling tight the fabric of his red breeches and revealing the outline of an enormous schlong. "Santa's got a big package for you!" I covered my mouth. I have to keep him around.’ After a few drinks too many I made my way to the bathroom. It was almost impossible to find if you didn’t know where it was—way in the back behind the kitchen. When I was leaving the bathroom someone shoved me against the wall. I didn’t see who it was but the person kissed me, fiercely. Mac. ‘Let’s go back to my place.’ He whispered in my ear. I let his hands roam freely. ‘What about Candy?’ ‘Candy can find her own way home. Anyways, I think she found a guy who can get her a Mojito with no mint.’ His hand had found its way up my shirt. ‘I’m not going home with you.’ ‘I’m pretty sure the bathroom has a lock.’ ‘It’s not happening tonight.’ He kissed my neck. I went along with it. We were making out when I heard, ‘Get a room.’ And then, ‘Holy Shit.’ It was Lee. ‘Fuck.’ I managed jumping away from Mac. Mac was grinning like a possum. ‘It’s not what it looks like.’ ‘Really? Because it seems pretty obvious to me.’ ‘What she means is that she hates my guts.
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