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But even though I couldn't think of the rightwords to say to myself, I knew deep down a core truth. To be a girl was tolove; To love is to be a girl. I would never be able fully to love someoneelse, though I might try, without having first a love for myself. Lovingmyself also meant accepting myself, in whatever I had said, thought, or done.That truth would come home shortly, though I wouldn't ever wish to accept it.It was the final truth of my life as I lived it. Could I give up that dream,let it lie forever as a dream? In the beginning all it had been WAS adream, something to say "This will bring a joy I cant imagine". It had beena dream because there were was no understanding, nor desire for understanding.But that dream had power that not even my imagination had the terms for.A huge, cyclopean engine. One that had all the power that ever is, was, orneeded to be. An engine, and a person. An Elven one. But just realizing that I could be a girl brought the idea of loving myselfback.. All I could think and feel was I HATE YOU! I didn’t know those people. I had never seen them before that moment, but I hated them with every fiber of my being because they were old and I’m not going to be. If I could have killed them and gotten away with it I would have. Instead, I finished taking my wife to work and thought about how much I hated them.Then I thought about how much I dislike people in their twenties. All the years that most of them have left and the shit they get to do. Oh Well, that’s all you can say. The anger I talked about a moment ago is only one type of anger I feel. I get pissed when store clerks hurry up and end a conversation because they think I’m retarded when my Aphasia acts up. What’s funny is at the rate it’s going in a year or three unless something happens they won’t be wrong.Then there’s the slow burn anger that I feel at my body for betraying me that sometimes flares into a rage when I can’t remember a word or think of how to form a logical approach.
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