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So shattered was I that I came near to going to sleep, I knew I could not though as if I had overslept then Jack would have found me and questions been asked. I staggered to my feet legs like rubber, removed the wet bedcover and after putting the washer in go mode brewed a strong cup of good old British tea. The rain still wet the window, the garden looked the same grey green and dull day, but me I could have walked on the garden pond so high was I. I knew I had found the best high I would ever find, and tomorrow he would be coming again or was that me... Wednesday, Steve called as usual, we screwed, it was lacking something, we both knew it, he left at his usual time, and I showered, ate brunch and waited, no call, not a peep. Just before one I sent him a text, asking what was wrong. My mind raced, was he finished with me? Had he had what he came for, and now gone? Would he tell my Jack? My mind did cartwheels, as I bit my lip and waited? The little phone buzzed its. I felt empty. I knew some of it was the adrenaline crash, the relief and nervous energy dissipating, that I’d been more concerned about the fact that this could fail than I’d dared to admit and now I just wanted to share it with someone and, once I got on that train, I’d be back in an empty shell of a flat, a place that should feel like home but didn’t, a place that would magnify this feeling of loneliness.It just came out, all of it. She listened, asking questions where I lost her, nodding a lot. When I got into being single she took my hand between hers and offered reassurance and I had a sudden thought, pulled my hand away, sitting up straight.“Look, er, this isn’t, I mean, you aren’t trying to pick me up here, are you?” I asked her and felt a sudden little thrill at the idea as I saw the surprise flutter across her face.“No,” and she’d said it flatly and I’d been surprised at the disappointment I felt, “you just needed someone to talk to.”“Oh good, because I’m not gay or, a.
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