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We need to talk sex. My mother looked up from her coffee, Why, she asked, her eyes dropping to my stomach, looking for the answer. I left it hanging there, just to hear her reaction, Are you in trouble, she finally asked? My younger b*****r was laughing, as the breakfast table came alive to the sounds of sex. Not yet mother dear, I replied sardonically, school project, too many teens fucking, so we have to draw attention to the fact, at what makes babies. I am sure with the internet you k**s know as much as I do, she replied, I was reaching into my bag and produced a paper, with questions. Mum looked at it, shook her head in mock disbelief, This is more fantasist than factual, she said, is your teacher a man by any chance? The fact that he was made me curious, Why do you say that, I asked her, the girls in our class called him Creepy. The questions are all about you and your approach to sex, how you feel about it, and more importantly, are you sexually active. Mums eyes were lit up. The catch is that he has just one try, and they'll chop off his head if he can't get all three. My mandarin explains all this to the chorus, which already knows it of course, but the audience gets to hear, too. Then he explains it again halfway into the second act, just in case some numbnuts in the box seats wasn't paying attention the first time around.Opera plots get pretty weird. I mean, why would any guy in his right mind play this kind of a stacked deck? And three riddles; even the sphinx is supposed to have given just one. Well, Puccini, who wrote it, tries to get around this by having Calaf, the tenor hero, get a quick glimpse of the princess as she passes by, and she's so beautiful he falls madly in love and insists on trying the riddles even though everybody around him does their best to discourage him.What a crock, especially in our production. Our Turandot tipped the scales at what had to be pretty close to three hundred pounds. I knew too, from having worked with her.
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