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Morning would come and it was another day and another search. When a small canoe came around the bend in the river, it was their first lead. They told the guide that the tribe he was looking for was only another fifty miles upstream. Suddenly all their spirits lifted, they'd all but made it. Their elation was short lived, they saw the smoke coming from what they thought was the village, but instead it was but a few tribesmen rummaging the forest and river for food ... however all was not lost, these were men from the village they sought, the only problem was that their boats could not go any further, the tribesmen would take them to their destination using their own boats ... more back breaking and sweaty work as they offloaded from one boat to the other.As night was closing in they decided to stay where they were and make the final part of the journey at first light. By mid afternoon of that day they finally arrived ... to be greeted by men, women and children, smiling, laughing and. Looking back, there were signs early that I was not like other boys. I canrecall taking an action figure and stealing Barbie clothes fromneighboring girls to dress him in. Sadly, about the time when I might havereally been able to start sorting me out, I was exposed to a rapist, andspent two years in Hell.Part of what happened to me was he justified his attacks on me because ofmy feminine side. He made me so afraid of my desire to be female that iburied it until I was approaching puberty. Then the sense of wrongness,the horrible feeling that somehow, I was going in the wrong directionbecame overwhelming. But I kept it hidden as best as I could.Then I became a Christian. This made my conflict even stronger, as I wasinducted into a conservative branch of the faith, and felt sure that myneed for the feminine was a sin. This lead to a cycle of "binging" -getting girl clothes and trying to be as female as I could, followed byguilt and "purging" where I would get rid of everything, only to.
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