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Hold her while she reverts back to that 14-year-old girl on the bus who froze while her boyfriend molested her. So here we are. She is shaking and bawling uncontrollably and I am holding her as tight as I can so she can feel safe as she does. It’s killing me, but she needs this. I hate him. I hate what he did to her. He probably doesn’t even know. As she calms down I loosen my grip. She turns around and squeezes me close. I let out a deep breath as the tears slowly trickle onto my shirt. This hell is coming to an end. I will never let her know how taxing this is for me, even though she does. She’s not stupid. But me not expressing it shows her that it doesn’t matter how hard it is for me, I will hold her, and do so willingly. Thankfully, she has accepted that. She allows me to carry this burden with her. As the tears slow I lean down and pick up her knees. I carry her as I would a child to the bed, for she is a child now. I lie down in front of her and pull her towards me. I started clearing things outof my phone when I came across a late night call to Daniel's number. Iguess I did a little drunk dialing. Not too good. I need something morethan anonymous club sex.I didn't tell Todd, but I went to a leather bar the following Thursday.I didn't really like it. I thought maybe if I found a stronger type.Sorry but no, the scene is just not me. Moustaches and leather justdon't do it for me, too macho. The whole scene struck too much like a'Tom of Finland' animation. I'm definitely not ready for that.Friday night we took the train down to New York.. I was having a goodtime but was starting to get some creeping doubts in the back of mymind. What if I'm wrong and I'm not gay? What if I just had a verystrong, one time attraction to just a singular male? I certainly wasn'tgoing to voice these doubts to Todd. How can I say I'm not gay? I meanreally. We went to a little drag club in the village and just had thebest time. Todd, Mr. Social, got us invited to an after.
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