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As I look back now I understand her apprehension. Our first date we spent several hours walking and talking, I apologized for the horrible thing I did to her and nearly to our child. I begged her forgiveness. She, in turn, explained why we could never be together again. She placed our child for adoption because she knew I would be relentless in my pursuit of them. She feared what that might mean for our daughter if her defenses weakened, if only for a moment. To get back together now, after the sacrifices she had to make, would be to admit she was wrong. That would mean her sacrifice was in vain. We cried together for our lost child. We cried for the loss of innocence. I comforted her, saying it was entirely my fault. She had done what any loving mother would do and put the safety of her child before her own emotional needs. We walked in silence down the tree-lined streets, holding each other’s hand, each grieving in our inner solitude. We spoke of what happened the day I died. Why. I plan on keeping her hanging and working in her brain, making her want me. I meander out onto the porch and I can see she’s waiting inside the screen door. Haha, just a little longer. I wander across the street, stressing the fact that I’m in no hurry. I can see her shifting back and forth, anxious or excited. Finally, I reach the door. “Wanna come in?” she offers. Her blonde hair is pulled back into a messy pony tail. I shrug. “That’s what I’m here for,” I smile at her and she smiles back. That smile melts me. Fuck, Lily, I want you so bad. Why are you so difficult? I sat down on the couch and leaned back against the pillows, completely casual. She just stands there, watching me. “How are your parents settling in?” I ask. “Well, they’re okay. They aren’t a fan of the neighborhood, probably all the crimes reported in the area,” she explains, sitting down across from me on the loveseat. “Yeah, I guess there were quite a few rapes in the area last year. They wouldn’t want something.
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