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He could actually see the sadness on his mother's face should she ever learn of his inherent lust. The cycle of grace, lust, forbidden pleasure at his own hand, despair for his imperfection, growing guilt, confession, penance and repair of his self-concept became an endless treadmill upon which his teenage years were built. At university, as he studied science, philosophy, literature, math, and the structure of myth in the world, he lost his fear of hell as a terrible punishment. It became clear to him that there was no hell, no afterlife, and no punishment. He came to conclude that, as there was no awareness before life, such would be the case after his life. Eternity would not pass in the damnation of fire. He was completely convinced that he would be totally oblivious to eternity. The realization of the world's basic absurdity left him no less guilty but it did leave him with no anchor in this world. His guilt, born of his mother's many years of guidance was not to be. We did not know about the others yet.Since we had patented the revolvers, I decided to carry the second Ruger. I sewed twelve cartridge loops onto my belt.I asked Swan and Star to sew up some cartridge bandoleers for the .32, and .38 rifles. They were happy to do that for me and I was happy for them to do it.I stayed at home with my family for two weeks, and then told them that I needed to go and work some more on the factory.They all packed up everything they wanted to take and closed up the house. We drove the stock with us. Joe and Fireball were making up into pretty good wrangling horses.We got to Smith's in three days and set up our camp where the stock could graze. Jack kept Swan company, and helped with the stock. He was very smart and willing to do whatever we needed.Sunshine or Swan hunted every day and we had fresh meat most days.I cut what I considered were enough logs for the walls and debarked them with the help of the bugs. I measured the logs and made the notches..
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