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He has, in both words spoken and not, pointed out to me all the things I have allowed to creep back into my way of life since his departure. I have both cringed at wept at the girl I have presented to him now after our countless hours together. I have allowed myself to get swept away by those I have surrounded myself instead of holding true to all that he taught me. My shame is great. He says that he does not hold me responsible for the changes he has noticed and I am sure there will be more that become apparent to his unwavering gaze. He knows me like no other and the more time I spend with him, the more I reveal, without even knowing, of how I have let myself go once he was gone. I feel so much shame but yet still find hope in the time he allows me to be at his feet. In one sentence he can have me trembling in fear that I will never be allowed in the comfort of his steel again but hopeful that he might give me a chance. I think he relishes the power he has over me, knowing he keeps. It's just me." I simply couldn't believe it. I was standing in Ms. Dailey's office in front of her, my pants and underpants pushed down. She was behind me and I really couldn't see if she was staring at me or not, but all the same it was beyond all the embarrassment I'd ever imagined. "Kick them off," she said. I think I made a little noise, not a sob, but something like it though I wasn't crying. But something that made my embarrassed state all the more evident. I extract my feet from them as she'd told me to. "OK, your blouse," she said. * * *I stood, naked in front of her. She walked around, inspecting me, then gave me a smile. "And you're still alive, aren't you?" I didn't trust myself to speak. "Now here's what we're going to do," she said. "Get up on the coffee table on your hands and knees. You're doing just fine." I looked down at the table: I wondered how far she was going to push me. I somehow knew she was getting me to push myself through my paralyzing.
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