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He had tons of e-mail to answer, as usual. Much of the e-mail was ridiculous. He answered them though, this was his hobby, his bliss. Many did not understand his passion for this expensive non-profit little venture. He wasn't concerned with them understanding. He knew why he did it and that was enough for him. Some of the e-mails were getting pretty stupid lately. Requests for things most people would not dream of. Complaints about the way he ran his site and complaints about the speed in which he answered e-mail. He got over a hundred a day! It was no secret that he did this as a hobby in addition to owning and running a business. He spent more time on his hobby then anything else. His business did not suffer, he was extremely successful and could afford the web site without outside funding. Many people still did not have a grasp of the situation.After answering e-mail for awhile the servers suddenly started acting up. He tried rebooting them all and got them running again but ten. I had to stop myself, once I swung harder than before smashing the shit out of his cassette tapes. One by one. It seemed to energize me and I lusted for harder strokes until I saw the window shake above the counter-top and felt pieces of plastic lodge in my hair. Put all but the hammer in the shopping bags I had hidden in my trunk. I rolled the bag and contents up tight then shoved them deep into the bottom of the trash can rummaging long to assure all would remain undetected. I wouldn’t have known what to say or do. Painfully shy and damaged. Periods of overcompensation. Self-medicating with drugs and spiraling out of control with an abusive partner. Abuse has permeated my life. I ask myself why I stayed. I can tell you. I didn’t think I could handle being alone. I loved the house. I loved him. By the end, he had topped yet another level of cruelty. I still hung on. I washed down the counter-top. There were divots. I did the best I could to smooth, even sanded with a fine grain.
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