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I had heard a rumour in the staff room that you were selling it, Monica”“Selling it, sir?”“You know exactly what I mean - offering oral sex in return for cash. You know what that makes you, don’t you? Quite literally, you’re a cock sucking little whore, Monica”“I didn’t hear you complaining a moment ago.”“No, well. I’ll have a word with the bursar. There’s quite a bit in the account for helping our poorer boarders and although I know your parents are not too hard up, I’m sure we can find a little something to, err, make sure you have the right uniform and so on. We don’t want our girls looking a poor show, now do we?“Exactly my point, headmaster. I’d better go - I have French in 10 minutes. Will you let me know when I need to practice my …err, fellatio some more”I got up and walked to the door.“Monica. Haven’t you forgotten something?”I looked back. No, my handbag was over my shoulder; my knickers were still on; no condoms to clear away.“Forgotten, sir?”“Yes”“Oh, sorry sir. . Where does Yoga get involved in that scenario? Remember how painful it is when you force your head that far forward that you can suck your big toe, or when you twist yourself round that far that you pop a disc. Compare the two. We know which we prefer, so why don’t you listen to us instead of some Professor type who writes streams of books from his little dark corner in his little dark room without having a clue as to what is really going on. Listen to the experts! The same goes with exercise. Don’t do it. Don’t put yourself through the excruciating process that’s enrolling, that sense of being made to feel six inches tall when you have your induction with Miss Fitness or Mr Muscles, don’t suffer the agony of trying to make yourself fitter for someone close to you who’s obviously out of your league (Shamus had his eye on a young lady with grey pants and a sweaty bum – the amount of times he fell off that treadmill…) but further more, don’t do it to us! Shamus, fool that he is joined.
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