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" I was safe enough with him, physically safe. With Jay knowing as well, neither of them could do anything terrible, they both had to see me at work with other people, but if I'd gone to some place with Tex... well anything could have happened." That's what scared me; that and... um..." Go on." Wondering." Wondering?" You know"She sat looking at me waiting, forcing the issue."I have a strategic kind of imagination, I can't help wondering about the long term as well as the moment. I couldn't help asking myself am I good enough? Is the rest of my life is going to be watching you in bars picking up men like Tex." I wondered that too... in a different way. I had to know.?"Know what?" If you'd still want me. Still want me if you knew what a slut I could be." That's what the doorway was all about? Pushing me?" Mmmm— disgusting wasn't it."I dug out my phone and found the pictures I'd taken as a car flashed by. Mostly they were dark and blurred but one of them showed a flash of pale flesh. But she appeared not to hear, or possibly had heard it all already? The man started to get the chills, partially from the unheated home, and partially from a nagging feeling he could not get rid of. He turned from his mother suddenly, and knocked over a chair with a prone figure in it. Swearing with rage, the man quickly scooped up the wizened old man that was his father. The ravages of Alzheimers had stolen his heart and mind years ago, but the man always looked forward to their talks each year. He gradually calmed down and told the blank eyes how he had actually walked 20 miles in one day so they all could be together. And yes, he had really crawled the final mile with callouses on his hands to make it in time for Christmas. His father’s eyes fluttered, on the verge of understanding yet as far away as ever. The man sighed, shaking his mentor’s hands and looking toward the final guest of honor with trembling skin and a quaking heart. There was nothing to be afraid of, naturally..
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