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He dreamed about her nightly. Knowing that he would dream of Tasha made going to bed a pleasure. He would often dream of kissing her, holding her and hearing her say that she loved him. He would often wake up in the night, finding himself retiring to the bathroom to masturbate at the fantasy of her. He felt guilty. Despite everything, he still loved coming home to his girlfriend. She was steady, secure and she didn't have the reputation for ending relationships by cheating. He knew she wouldn't hurt him, although it felt like she drove a dagger through his chest every time she rebuffed his advances night after night. John knew that no one would get hurt if he could keep doing what he was doing. He could love his girlfriend on the physical plain, while satisfying his sexual urges and desires inside his mind. John had lost confidence in his appearance, had began gaining weight. He felt lifeless at times, and was constantly tired, where he was visiting the bathroom night after night. A neighbor or two stopped by every so often, but I was alone most of the time. When my dad was around he seemed always to be depressed or lonely and consistently laconic.’ She stopped, thinking about things. I was thinking about how depressed this conversation was making me. ‘Well, this conversation has really raised my spirits. Thanks so much,’ I said, trying to lighten the mood. ‘Oh waiter, one kabob skewer, please. I don’t need a plate, just shove it in my eye.’ Finally, I got a little smile out of her and even a chuckle. ‘OK, OK,’ she said, ‘you don’t want to discuss this. I get it.’ ‘No, it’s not that,’ but of course, it was that. I didn’t want to discuss it. Was I crazy? I just wanted to go back to my place and let her have her way with me. ‘You probably just want to have sex, don’t you?’ she asked me. ‘Du-uh!’ I answered. ‘You’re the sexiest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. You make me laugh. And I think you underrate yourself because you’ve never gone to college. You.
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